Why I Take So Many Pictures ( Entry 6 )

I am scared of ending up like my grandpa.

Let me explain.

When I was younger I did not really know my extended family since they did not live in America.

I am Mexican-American

My family has never been close to me, physically at least. When I got the opportunity to visit my extended family at the bright age of five, I was super excited! I thought my family would welcome me with open arms, which most of them did. 

My grandpa on the other side was not one of the family members waiting for me with open arms. 

He was very cold towards me and treated me as a stranger. He even pinched me once as punishment for stealing his peppers when I placed them on the table.

What I did not know at the time was that my grandpa had Alzheimer's. 

He lost his memory before I was born, so he never knew of my existence. I think that is what hurt me the most. To know my grandpa could never love me as much as I loved him.

That is why I take so many pictures. I take them to be able to hold the ones I love as close as I can. To be able to have a reason as to why I can not forget them. To save my memories in something physical when my brain can't keep up.

My biggest fear is forgetting.

Most kids at five were afraid of the dark or the monsters under their beds, but I was scared of forgetting my family and friends.

Its a fear I feel I developed the day my grandpa passed.

Pictures can hold such a beautiful meaning to the creator of them and those captured in the moment.

Pictures and videos are my way of coping through the fear of loss. The loss of love and the memories holding those moments closest to me.

It is not my grandpa's fault that he does not remember me, but I do not want anyone to feel the same way I felt at five years old. I do not want anyone to feel unworthy of being remembered.

So therefore, I take pictures with those I hold close. Then I will not have an excuse as to forget.

I love with all my heart, but in situations like this it sucks to care so much.

"A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved"

-Ed Sheeran

This quote shows exactly how I feel when it comes to the topic of memory loss.

Even though I am scared of losing those memories, my mind will be at peace knowing those memories and pictures are filled with love.

Thank you for reading

You are worth loving and remembering.

You are so loved, don't ever forget it!

-Jesse

The Mystery Only Found Through The Five Senses ( Entry 5 )

 It is sour

Like the memory of someone you thought would be your "forever".

At the same time it is bitter sweet

In the same way deleting old photos of someone you know was the right person just wrong time can be.

It is sticky

Just like the residue left on your cheeks after eating a juicy watermelon.

It holds an eloquent scent

A scent they could only wish to copy into a body midst. 

It reflects your eyes with a bright color

A color that makes you wonder how nature can have such vibrant pigments.

The drops of liquid after a quick squeeze remind me of a slow rainy afternoon.

This item followed me through my childhood, seen at every family party I have attended.

Though it may be hard to figure out, I am very confident you have seen it in your lifetime at least once.

It scent has had to have attracted your nose. Its explosive flavor have most likely been found in your food.  Its beautiful color has most likely caught your attention.

I believe in your ability to know what this produce is, just do not think about it too hard

Be safe and know you are loved,

-Jesse

The Impact One Person can Make ( Entry 4 )

Kindness is free, so why is it so hard for humans to give kindness to others?

 Volunteering has a special place in my heart. Ever since I was a toddler, I was taught to treat others with the upmost amount of respect and kindness. I was taught to not do anything for any sort of reward, but out of the pureness of my heart.

I feel that showing the world kindness is one of my biggest life goals. Being able to honestly and earnestly show love to all those around me is something I wish to accomplish on a daily basis.

We as people have no idea what others are going through. We have no idea what is going on in their life, so why is is that we judge others for the way they act or the attitude they hold?

Being kind does not cost anything. Something as simple as saying good morning or just saying hello can make someone's day. Admiring their outfit or calling them beautiful could be the pick me up they needed.

Volunteering is my favorite pass times. If I could volunteer for the rest of my life, I would. Being able to see the impact my fellow classmates make and seeing their faces brighten when they meet a kind soul is all the payment I will ever need. Seeing the impact of kindness is one of life's biggest rewards.

Love is shown in more than one way. Love is shown with care, compassion, and concern. Showing strangers love is not something I find weird. I feel as if we as a society tend to distance ourselves from others because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loss hope, or the overall fear of being hurt. Though it is completely understandable to want to be distant oneself from others, one should not fear everyone they pass. 

Limiting ourselves due to fear is something I have also struggled with in the past. Being scared of being hurt is something that follows me constantly. The difference between being naïve and being kind is knowing when the time is appropriate.

Kindness can be found within friends

Kindness can be found in family

And most importantly,

Kindness can be found within oneself

and reflected by the way one treats others

It is free to be kind

It is free to show love

I know it can be hard to show others what they never showed you, but trust me when I say being kind helps one feel complete. 

Knowing you did your best to show this world the amount of love you hold is all one will ever need

Don't be kind to prove a point, be kind to show others you care

Thank you for reading and I hope your day was amazing!

You are worthy, you are loved, you are strong, and you will make it out alive!

Love you,

-Jesse

The Power Behind Music ( Entry 3 )

 As of now, music follows me wherever I go. When I am doing the dishes, cleaning my room, or even just laying on my bed looking at the ceiling. Since music is such a big part of my life, there are certain songs that I feel carry a deeper meaning than others. At least to me they carry that specific meaning.

One of those songs being 

Strange by Celeste 

I tried for you

Tried to see through all the smoke and dirt

It wouldn't move

What could I do?

I touch your head

To pull your thoughts into my hand

But now I can't

Say isn't it strange?

Isn't it strange?

I am still me

You are still you

In the same place

Isn't it strange

How people can change

From strangers to friends

Friends into lovers

And strangers again?

Back to this room

Back to our roots

What did we lose?

What did we lose?

If I could

I'd pull your strings for one more dance

But I can't

Say isn't it strange?

Isn't it strange?

You look at me

I look at you

With nothing to say

Isn't it strange

How people can change

From strangers to friends

Friends into lovers

And strangers again?

Then the silence steals over to my bedside

And it whispers who I am

That violent disclosure turns my insides

Stops me when I try to stand

Isn't it strange

How people can change

From strangers to friends

Friends into lovers

And strangers again?

Celeste, a self published British Singer Song Writer, writes about the travesties of a relationship built on friendship that later end in becoming less than friends, strangers at best.

While attempting to appeal to those going through the heartbreak of losing one they held dearly to themselves, she highlights multiple parts of her personal relationship where she felt the distance between her and her partner further expanded.

She is going through a heartbreak and wants others going through the same to know they are not alone. She has also lost someone she thought would stay forever. The painful reality of becoming strangers with someone you thought would be your "forever" hurts, and she is able to both sympathize and feel with her audience.

The listeners are not alone in feeling like the people they held close as friends and closer as a partner have distanced themselves into a stranger. It is almost like the artist is having a conversation with us about what they are going through and almost questioning herself as she is looking at her current life situation.

In the beginning of the song it almost feels like she's blaming herself for not being able to stay in the relationship or convince herself that their partner was a good person.

She said:

"I touch your head

To pull your thoughts into my hand

But now I can't"

It feels as if there was no ability to connect or communicate with the significant other like they once did. The same abilities to communicate and work stuff out no longer existed between the both of them. An ability she now yearns for once more.

Another beautiful line is:

"I'd pull your strings for one more dance

But I can't"

The relationship felt forced. If she could have kept him, she would have, no matter the trauma or distance. She wanted to preserve the relationship as much as she could, but at the end it was not enough.

She wrenchingly says:

"Isn't it strange

How people can change

From strangers to friends

Friends into lovers

And strangers again?"

She continuously questions herself with this singular line. She continues to ask, but no one seems to answer. It feels like she is in denial of what happened in the past and still can not understand how the distance could have grown to be so far.

Celeste uses her beautiful writing to convey the feeling of hurt, loss, and despair through the eyes of someone who has lost a significant other to an unanswered way with zero closure. 

The loss of a one sided love.

Thank you for taking the time to read about one of my favorite songs.

Do not ever let anyone make you feel as if you are not worthy of love.

You have been and always will be so loved, whether you know it or not :)

Be safe and take care - Jesse